ecsl@netbloc.com: 9726: Re: [ECS] Lost Time!

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Re: [ECS] Lost Time!
Tony James
Mon, 27 Nov 2000 23:33:29 -0000

Mon, 27 Nov 2000 23:33:29 -0000

Dario

Thought you might like to see an American response to my previous piece of humour. I
don't think I'll clutter up the list with it though although it would show we can take
it as well as give it!

Regards
Tony

To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to
see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance.

As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The
sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand,
it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you
that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation,
we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic.
It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the
majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of
helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct
in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey
Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However,
in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of
other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling
and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd
also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed
by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you
for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that
over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American
civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about
the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on
us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels",
"Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy
Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However,
you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch
dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest
switching to that Rule Britannia ditty, it's toe tapping. Or maybe Elton John could
adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets
fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close.
By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament
without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top-notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite
yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese.
Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick.
Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach
you how to cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you
drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy
a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand,
we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

P.S. - Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

Dario

Thought you might like to see an American response to my previous piece of humour. I don't think I'll clutter up the list with it though although it would show we can take it as well as give it!

Regards

Tony

To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance.

As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Britannia ditty, it's toe tapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top-notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
P.S. - Regarding WW2: You're Welcome.